At my last doctor’s appointment, I was complaining a little about how aging is changing me. It’s harder to sleep, and the aches and pains are creeping in. I was mostly joking about being old, but the doctor jumped in with, “Well, aging is all about getting comfortable with loss. You’ll lose far more than you’ll gain from here on out, so get comfortable with that notion.”
Yikes. That is not how you compose a motivational speech, man.
I understand what he was getting at. Aging does involve a lot of loss. Your parents will die, and possibly your siblings. If you live long enough, you might even outlive your children. Your similarly-aged friends will die off one by one. You will gradually (or suddenly) lose your physical abilities, and maybe your mental ones, as well. Yeah, you’ll lose a lot.
But I think the doctor was wrong for ending his statement on such a pessimistic note. Hunter S. Thompson once said,
“Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming “Wow! What a Ride!”
Maybe I don’t want to go out quite so dramatically, but I refuse to just “get comfortable” with the idea of fading into nothingness.
Yes, some losses are inevitable, but not all are. And while you will lose things, there are things you can still gain. Maybe it’s not all going to come as easily as it once did, but with some thought and effort, I don’t believe aging has to be all doom and gloom. You can still ride the motorcycle.
When we’re kids and young adults, everything is a gain. You gain knowledge. Friends at school. Skills and talents. Love. Jobs. Maybe kids of your own. Nieces and nephews. In-laws. Travel. There’s always something around the corner to look forward to and challenge you. Life is coming at you fast and your world is constantly expanding. (At least if you put down the phone and social media and actually get out there and do stuff.)
But when you hit middle age, new (good) things stop flying at you. Maybe you’ve been in the same job for a long time. Been married for years. Your kids have flown the nest and only come over sporadically. Your education ended and you haven’t really pursued any more. Some of your interests get put by aside as you can (for example) no longer run marathons, or your hands won’t cooperate with dexterity-based hobbies. And it isn’t just the loss of the hobby, you often lose touch with the social element involved, as well. You retire and lose touch with your coworkers and realize you don’t really have other friends to take their place.
And, yeah, people start dying and you may start having more health problems. Suddenly all the novelty in your life is negative. Oh, look who died today! Hey, here’s your new scary medical diagnosis! Guess what? You can’t drive anymore so now you get to figure out Uber and your towns’ bus schedule. Yippee! Oh, your friend had to go into a home (or move away to be with family) and you never get to see her anymore. It all starts to suck.
But… While all of that is flying around, you can still find some positive gains. And you should! Otherwise your last whatever number of years on earth are going to be miserable.
Health: Your health may decline, but you can fight at least some of it. Exercise within your ability. Eat better. Do what your doctor recommends. Make whatever gains you can in this area, or at least fight like hell to keep things from getting worse.
Your Brain: Dementia isn’t necessarily inevitable and even if you’re going to get it, you can generally fight to delay or slow down the progression. Learn. Go back to school. Study whatever strikes your fancy. Take up new interests that meet you where you are, or make accommodations. If you can’t play tennis anymore, can you play pickleball? Badminton in a pool? If reading isn’t as easy as it once was, can you get an ereader, read large print books, or take up audiobooks? If you can’t paint tiny details, can you find a way to paint larger objects, or enjoy abstract art?
Friends: School, work, and going to your kids’ activities make meeting people so easy. When those things are gone, you have to work harder to find friends. But you can still do it! Join clubs that interest you. Visit your local senior or recreation center and see what programs are on offer. See what groups your library hosts. Talk to your neighbors and see what develops. Take a part-time job doing something you find fun, or volunteer. Take classes. There are lots of ways to meet people, you just have to make the effort. And don’t limit yourself to people your own age. Younger people can teach you a lot (and vice versa), and you might actually outlive them, reducing your losses!
Family: You can’t regenerate family, so the trick here is to simply maximize the time you do have with them. Assuming you have good relationships and haven’t gone no-contact for whatever reason, spend time with your parents, siblings, in-laws, steps, grandparents and what have you. Yes, you will likely lose some of them, but the memories are a huge gain over facing the “if only’s” later on. And definitely prioritize relationships with the younger generations. Your grandkids and nieces/nephews can be your link to staying in the know about youth culture and the interesting things that they do. You don’t have to participate, but just knowing stuff is good for you.
Work: When you give up your 9 to 5 job and retire, it doesn’t mean you are relegated to the sofa for the rest of your life. You don’t have to lose that huge part of your identity. Depending on your role, you can consult or volunteer. Maybe you can teach your skills to the next generation, or find a young person to mentor. You might be able to go part-time just to keep your hand in, or find some way to run your own business if you want to. You don’t have to put those years of your life in a drawer, unless you want to.
Travel: Travel is easy when we’re young and don’t mind sleeping in hostels, taking long flights, and walking a lot. As we get older, it gets harder but it doesn’t have to be impossible. You can go for shorter trips to closer places. Or embrace long travel and take the train to avoid flying. Or take a repositioning cruise across the Atlantic instead of flying. Hotels offer lots of price options these days, so you can likely find something affordable and avoid the hostel or your kid’s couch. Find activities that accommodate your limitations. Museums or cultural sites can be an alternative to river rafting or hiking. Amusement parks can still be in-bounds even if you can’t hit the roller coasters, as most offer shows, holiday events, or less-punishing activities.
Eventually, yes, you will probably reach a point where you are dependent on others and homebound. (Unless you get lucky and die in your sleep before that happens.) Very little results in gains in those situations. At the end of your life you may truly have to face up to the “everything is loss” scenario that my doctor described. But there’s a long time (hopefully) between middle age and total dependence. And in those years, you can and should focus on what you can still gain.
